The pattern is clear…it’s challenging to write when I’m cooking on stuff, especially career related. Sitting with the very question that precipitated this blog, “What do I plan to do with my one wild and precious life?” (a deep bow to Mary Oliver), deep in the bottom of my personal U (a deep bow to Otto Scharmer), I’ve been given the perfect conditions and container – the mythological fire and cauldron – for transformation.
Days of boiling over. Other days being chilled to the bone with anxiety and self-doubt. Some days of barely perceptible heat, coasting on a status quo, denying my knowing. Most days, simmering, trusting in the mix of it all.
In the last month or so I’ve been a participant in Heather Plett’s inaugural Mandala Discovery online course. Today after yoga and brunch with my dear yoga teacher-sisters, I went to my studio to make some mandalas and see what might emerge. Over the weeks we’ve explored themes like play, chaos, surrender and journey. Seems like every time I get out the compass and coloured markers there’s a little, or a lot, of all of this going on in every creation.
Today, after the first “it doesn’t count” drawing, I created a circle with a question mark in the centre, dividing the circle in half. It could have easily become a yin-yang symbol, earlier suggested by Heather as a way to find the balance through chaos, but I took a different tack and began to write questions on the left side. Questions about my “what next?” Questions like:
“What is my calling?’
“Can I be true?”
“What brings me deep joy?”
“How do I serve You?”
“How do I partner well with others – women and men?”
“May I?”
“Can I?”
“Am I?”
“Will I succeed?”
“What if I don’t?”
“What’s success?”
“Does it matter?”
“What is enough?”
When I came to the right side of the question mark (hmmm, the right side, that evokes its own inquiry) I thought about leaving it blank, the spaciousness of not knowing….not committing? And then something else came. My practice is to date and quickly write some fast impressions about my process on the backside of page. Here’s what emerged:
Colour
Integrity
Wholeness
Vivid
Possibilities on the other side of the questions
Not yet named
Not yet answered
But alive with colour
